This is my first time writing a blog post since my handful of dispatches from India in 2019 but that was a one-off.
A few days ago I went down a deep dark hole and ended up watching someone’s TikTok channel. Before that I was more or less a TikTok virgin. Now I am filled with regret.
At some point the TikTok personality does a series of videos on panic attacks, and appears to have recorded at least part of their own panic episodes for TikTok episodes. Now I feel kind of bad about this, but my first thought watching these was “this isn’t a real panic attack” which is unfair…but I don’t feel bad enough not to write about it.
Definitely maybe this person’s panic attacks were real, as real as mine were, or anyone else’s. Over the past 5-10 years American society has come into a panic attack epidemic, or at least become newly aware of panic attacks. If the TikTok video’s purpose was to normalize such episodes or reduce the stigma, I can sympathize with that to a degree. There’s a lot of material produced by millennials right now trying to deal with mental illness in a similar manner.
Nevertheless, I am repulsed and horrified by this approach. Whether it comes from the heart, or is out of a sense of obligation to one’s audience, the idea that you would or should film and publicize your panic attacks is so alien to me and my experience.
About ten years ago I developed full blown panic disorder for about a week, unable to sleep or do much of anything except wait for the next panic attack. Thankfully I saw a doctor who prescribed me medication to bring it down to a manageable level. And today, it has been well over a year since my last panic attack and I am grateful for that.
One of the worst things about my panic attacks, which even when I was alone were a deeply upsetting and humiliating experience, was when I called 911 and the EMT that arrived included a former high school classmate. I was so embarrassed. Even/especially when they determined there was nothing wrong, and that yes, it was “just” another panic attack.
I was never very good at managing my anxiety or bringing the panic attacks down to a manageable level, I usually had to ride it out for 45 min-1 hour and it basically would wipe out that day. I do know that one of my triggers for panic attacks was undo attention or the feeling of being watched (with disapproval).
So not only do I not think I would have been competent enough during these episodes to turn and record a viral video ‘just in case’ but I very much doubt this would have reduced my anxiety, and in the moment would probably have greatly exacerbated it (from my experience, a panic attack can “evolve” into hyperventilation).
The way I dealt with panic attacks was I would either sit alone in a corner somewhere until it died down or call a family member.
I can’t stress enough that in the moment these are probably the worst experiences I have had in my life. Whether the fact that zoomers are so comfortable publicizing and even marketing this kind of debilitating trauma is representative of some deep generational divide, the dreaded “cultural differences”, or again, some sense that is required to life your life like The Truman Show, for posterity, or art, or again, this is ‘the way’ you help people yourself and others overcome mental illness.
I almost get the sense from younger people that they see no distinction between “reducing shame and stigma” and “posting to social media”, as if this is the one and only solution to overcoming mental illness or any kind of trauma: sexual assault, etc.
Or, I’m not ruling out some more cynical reasons, people wearing their (not quite so terrible) “panic attacks” like a badge of honor or a way to shed maybe some ablist privilege. There are certainly many people who throw around the term “panic attack” in a cavalier and prejudicial way, and honestly, I don’t see any reason why someone couldn’t simultaneously be trying to destigmatize panic attacks AND also be deeply misunderstanding their nature.
All of this is extremely depressing.
If nothing else I want people to know that, if you’ve had a panic attack, it is not something you are obligated to share with anyone else, and you are not a bad or weak person because you keep these experiences to yourself or are similarly unwilling to videotape yourself having a panic attack or talking about them.
That goes with any kind of mental illness or depression, you need not be ashamed of your condition, it is crucial to seek help and to find appropriate solutions, be it medication (worked for me! more or less) or lifestyle choices, or just a greater awareness that between things like the pandemic or distressing sociopolitical conditions are contributors and it’s not your fault.
But being comfortable or accepting of one self IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BROADCASTING YOURSELF TO THE WORLD. Holy fucking shit.
Also I see no contradiction in posting this/blogging about it, I have the distance of literally years between now and my last panic attack, the chance that more than 10 close friends/family ever come across this post is miniscule and there the medium is the message and there is indeed quite a bit more distance between a pseudonymous blog post or editorial and the audience, then the same relationship on social media, in particular videos.
This also ties into a more general discussion about the social pressures on virtually everyone to aggressively market yourself online, to cultivate an audience, to “share your truth”, all of that, as ‘the way’ to achieve any kind of success, whether it be personal acceptance and satisfaction and/or the only current path to producing art for a living or to have any kind of living at all … but that’s all I’ll say about that.
Also no apologies in the 0.0001% chance that the TikTok person reads this, they seemed nice enough, but for real:
don’t record your panic attacks.
Culture Time 