The year 2015 has given us a dynamic and impressive slate of Republican candidates for the Presidential nomination, but this despite this, the liberal media refuses to acknowledge their positive attributes.
The debate forums have been designed for the moderators to chastise and cajole the candidates into belittling themselves and one another, eschewing the important issues and attempting to portray the whole lot as a sideshow at the circus.
You can’t avoid the truth forever, and the truth is this men (and one woman) are beautiful political creatures who would make exemplar contributions to the national portrait gallery. Here are what I believe to be the best of each candidates’ physical traits.
Ted Cruz: Blow Job Lips
Although his talk is brash and feisty, Ted Cruz is a tender lover of all things constitutional. Once in the White House bedroom, when nobody is watching, Ted Cruz will gently coax America to rise once again to its heights of greatness, before splooging liberty all over the world. Like a true Tea Party soldier, Ted Cruz doesn’t like big government–heck, he’s tried to shut it down multiple times–but he’ll take eight inches for eight years to be America’s bitch, because that’s how much he cares for his country.
Carla Fiorino: Beautiful Face
What else is there to say? Donald Trump said it all.
Marco Rubio: Beautiful Face
What else is there to say? The Hill said it all.
Jeb Bush: Sharp Glasses
I admit this isn’t a direct physical attribute, unless the glasses really did grow onto his face, but glasses make for a smart man, and Jeb Bush with glasses is like George Bush with glasses, and George Bush was pretty smart to begin with, despite the media’s misunderstimations. Jeb may not be a guy you want to have a beer with (he might put nails in it), but what he lacks in charmliness he makes up for with wonkenticity. He’s Jebby Drama to George’s movie star. But just like his baby bro, Jeb’s another reformer with results.
Jon Kasic: Who?
Not sure what to put here.
Chris Christie: Big Round Tummy
I’m not trying to be mean; Chris Christie could be America’s Santa Claus, the jolly fool in the White House. I believe he ate the cast of the Jersey Shore, and that’s actually a good thing. Unfortunately, it looks like he won’t be considered for the Republican nomination because his record during Hurricane Sandy shows sometimes big men use big government to fix the problem instead of trusting market solutions.
Ben Carson: Surgically Enhanced Brain
Ben Carson built himself a better brain, inserting new memories into the pre-frontal lobe, such as a violent past and a scholarship to West Point. And as many others have noted, he seems to be capable of running a successful campaign on about 50% brain capacity, using the other half for important activities like sleeping, scamming old people with dietary supplements, and posthumously arming Holocaust victims.
Donald Trump: Intestinal Fortitude Pointy Fingers
I gotta admit, this was a hard one, as Donald Trump is 69 years old and his bluster to luster gap kind of reminds me of Immortan Joe from the new “Mad Max” film. I have a feeling underneath those snappy suits is a pretty soft, underwhelming body. However, a lot of fuel is required to keep the Trump machine going day after day, a perpetual noise machine that will sandblast his way to the White House. That must require an efficient and dedicated digestive system, and for that Trump deserves our attention and respect.
11/6 Update: After watching ten minutes (of which I can never have back) of Saturday Night Live last night, I think its fair to say that the intestinal strength is a myth. Trump can barely handle a few minutes at a time of sitting in a chair reading cue cards and play-acting his Presidency. So his stamina isn’t what it used to be, and he’s also more terrifying than funny, but you got to give credit where credit is due: the man’s got fingers.
Those fingers tweet and text all night long, insulting cast members (yes I know it was all fake), Rosie O’Donnell, political opponents, anybody who questions his assertion that he’s just a “nice guy.” A nice guy whose most iconic image is pointing his finger at people and firing them. Finger-firing them?
Just imaging all the thing Trump can do with his fingers when he’s President.
Honorable Mention (the rest):
Rick Santorum- Shiny Forehead, Mike Huckabee- Puffy Dimples, Scott Walker- Flaccid Penis
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