Want to know how to make great coffee? Latte art? Cappuccino foam frothier than ocean waves?
THEN TAKE A MOTHER F—ING COFFEE CLASS!
In the meantime, here are some tidbits I’ve picked up while working in the trade. Some special drinks, exotic methods of caffeine extraction and other kinds of delicious and, most importantly, INSIDER knowledge which you will only read about because I’m probably not good enough at this job to last long-term.
I bet you never knew about:
1. Jewish Coffee
This surprisingly simple, surprisingly Jewish, beverage is simply a cappuccino topped with a little bit of Chai mix. Just make sure not to drink this while eating a beef sandwich.
2. Vietnamese Drip Four Loko
This process is really fun to watch and separates some of the electrolytes from Four Loko. Drip Loko has a slightly fluffier consistency, but you have to add condensed milk at the end, otherwise it’s just Four Loko gone through a pointless filter. Try adding condensed milk from Four Loko right out of the can for Soviet Loko, during which cardiac arrests you!
3. Coffee, Tea, Coca-Cola and Wheat Grass
Or me?
4. Kombucha Kon Leche
Unfortunately, nothing will make Kombucha taste any better than fermented piss, but maybe that’s only because the Ginger Nazi who lived in my house used to brew it in the backyard. Still, the only way to rescue kombucha from the hipsters is to make it EVEN more exclusive and niche, and what better way to do that than creating an exotic new beverage? Does milk taste good with sewage sludge? Try it for yourself!
6. Decaf Cigarettes
Have you ever just wanted to smoke a cigarette without getting anxious jitters after brunch? How many people lament that they started smoking just to “fit in” only to find they couldn’t quit their caffeine addiction? Most decaf-soaked cigarettes taste just as good as the stronger brews, although you’re still better off buying from an independent coffee house. For a really tasty diet, try diet sugar as well.
Culture Time 