Let’s take a closer look at our poop, shall we?
Recently a friend of mine told me they hadn’t “had a good shit in weeks”, and then they asked me if that was too much information.
Too much information? Not enough information!
Ladies and gentleman, what objectively constitutes a good shit? Think of the R-E-N-T song: “Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Trips to the Bathroom. How do you measure, measure a load? How about:”
COLOR
CONSISTENCY
DURATION
SMELL
The feeling you get from the contraction of your butt muscles, perhaps?
Sometimes the feeling of release can be almost as good as a really mediocre orgasm (like the sixth or seventh time your masturbated that day, or a prostitute, neither of which Dakota has done, nor would he admit to doing them if he had).
Our shits are an invaluable audit of our body’s health and ability to absorb nutrients. And yet we really don’t have any good common measurements.
What is the average shit? What is the perfect poop?
Why do some of us know the exact amount of caramel coloring necessary for a Pepsi, but not a poopsie?
What is the right color of poop? Chocolate? Mauve? Beet red? Hardwood maple? Burnt Umber?
Let’s go a little deeper up our asses: what if our poop could be a portend of the future?
Like the Chinese used to do with bones (extispicy), what if we dried out our shit and let it sit in a field so it could get struck by lightning?
A cracked floater might mean good things for your love life.
Pebbles, on the other hand, could mean your due for a breakup.
Liquid foretells of a doctor’s appointment in your near future.
We categorize rocks, we categorize clouds, why not shit? Why do we make poop jokes at all? Is just because poop doesn’t taste good?
I saw on the internet that the perfect shit shape is actually supposed to be elongated and firm, like a submarine or a hot dog. Or something else. EVEN FOR WOMEN!
And yet nobody ever bragged that their shit was longer than shit inches. Nobody ever said “my shits are so big I can’t even fit them into the mouth of the toilet!”
Do people just hate shit because it smells bad?
Not everything that smells bad is worth our scorn. Our feet smell bad, but everybody loves feet, right? RIGHT?!
Well, I do.
I smell bad sometimes. Am I a piece of shit? Tell me yes or no in the comments section.
Does anyone know why poop is called no. 2? Who’s no 1? The food we ate? Our urine stream? The stomach? Something worse?
If this was a movie and shit was no. 2, no. 1 would be something even worse that came out of your ass, like a tentacled monster. And constipation would be them making evil plans inside your intestines.
Come to think of it, nothing has come out of my ass except shit. And nothing has gone in! No probes, no plugs, no plastic tubing, again, nothing I would or wouldn’t admit to has ever been up there.
So maybe, if I had a genie, I might wish to have candy pour out of my ass.
But more likely I would probably just wish for candy, which would eventually come out of my ass as normal shit.
Lastly, shit in Spanish is “mierda” but “mienda” means girl grandchild. There could be some fun autocorrects here.
“I’m so constipated my grandchildren must be huge!”
“I know I shouldn’t but I always have a present ready for my shits when they arrive, they’re just so adorable.”
Sorry that I’ve been talking shit at you for about five minutes now. God bless.
Culture Time 