They both look like they were cribbed from Classical Times, and they both celebrate famous American Presidents. (Editor’s note: apparently the Jeff is classified as “neoclassical” but the Abe is “Greek revival.” Is this a Rome/Greece thing? Because round = like the Pantheon? I don’t know, but I do know that if I was making a list of top American landmarks, neither of these guys would make the top ten) But if you were an Asian tourist and the bus left for Dulles airport in 20 minutes, which would you choose to visit?
Analysis:
Sex Appeal: Lincoln was never really a hit with the ladies. The tall gangly lawyer was ugly until an eleven-year-old girl told him to grow facial hair. Jefferson? He fucked everything. He fucked his wife. He fucked his slaves. He fucked the corpse of John Locke and made him like it. Tommy boy couldn’t have gotten all that 18th century love without a reasonably symmetrical body.
Location: If the statue of Lincoln came alive, he’d be able to wade into the reflecting pool, grab a snack at a nearby vendor, wander up towards Foggy Bottom or get arrested in front of the White House. Jefferson unfortunately isn’t really close to anything. He could ride the paddle boats and get attacked by ducks, but he’s really only within walking distance of the Holocaust Museum.
Speeches: Jefferson cribbed all his speeches from other famous people. Lincoln at least wrote his own material, and some of it was pretty good.
Special Effects: Neither statue is an animatronic, which is very disappointing. The lighting in the Lincoln Memorial is poor, but there are public restrooms.
Paranoia: The base of the Lincoln Memorial, beneath the statue, is clearly a hideout for the Freemasons. No such clandestine utility is discernible for the Jefferson Memorial, which makes it either vastly inferior…or vastly more discrete.
WINNER:
Judge for yourself.
Culture Time 