The Best Gay Bars in Crystal City

Last Saturday I was in Crystal City, a housing and retail complex in Arlington near the airport, which features a huge underground tunnel so you can shop and eat and even see at a production at Synectic Theater and never see the sun.

Here are the area’s best gay bars:

1. Freddie’s Beach Bar

Let’s break it down:

Food and Drink: I didn’t eat anything and spent $39.97 on cheap liquor. The bartender said Sambucca would be good for my throat, but when I sang, I still couldn’t hit the high notes in “Baby.” Three Rainbows

The Boys: The boys were pretty decent. The bartenders were jacked and clean shaven, for the most part, but pretty macho, so if they were gay, and they are, they exhibited it in an American Eagle kind of way. I’m okay with that. Most of the guys just kept to themselves and ignored me, which is a disappointing hit to my ego. People seemed pretty laid back, there was nobody doing drugs in the bathroom. Maybe things got hot and heavy after 1 am. But then again, it’s Crystal City, one of the yuppiest places in the country. Seven Rainbows

The Girls: What girls. Negative Thirteen Rainbows

The Karaoke: A decent selection, but more importantly, the DJ could find any song, within reason, that wasn’t already on the list, and upload it. The people were pretty good. Only thing I didn’t like was that some songs had a back track singing the melody if you screwed up. Safety nets are for assholes. A solid number of rainbows

Overview: Fun bar, bad location. Would go there with friends, wouldn’t go there if I wasn’t stuck in Crystal Shitty. Also, the idea that gay bars are a good place to find straight girls is a pretty dumb, and I supposed already-sufficiently debunked myth. Girls go to gay bars to be with their gay friends. Which is the same reason I would go too, I guess. You’re not getting lucky at Freddie’s Beach Bar. And if you are, don’t tell me, I’m going to get upset.

2. Buffalo Wild Wings

Food and Drink: they serve microwaved chicken nuggets in a greasy cardboard tray. Ten Dead Buffaloes

The Boys: No drag queens, but to be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention. ??? Dead Buffaloes

The Girls: Cute wait staff, maybe? No stand outs. I wouldn’t take a date here. ??? Dead Buffaloes

The Poker Machine: As befits a tacky, trendy chain restaurant, while you are eating, you can get a free hand-held device which lets you play video games live with the other patrons. Some of the games even show up on a big-screen TV somewhere in room. So if you are trying to distract yourself from the fumes coming from your food, you can watch people you don’t know and don’t care about playing free poker, with stupid avatar names like “Scar” and “Obama”. I tried this for five minutes and got bored, mostly because you can’t use any inappropriate aliases. Zero Dead Buffaloes

Overview: Buffalo Wild Wings is a fucking plague. I would lock my enemies inside in a heartbeat. 652 Wild Wings and Counting. What. The. Hell.