Today my favorite news organization came out with a picture composed of different lady bits to come up with the ultimate uber-woman, and here was the result:
http://shine.yahoo.com/shine-beauty/perfect-woman–image-is-a-freakish-mashup-fantasy-214809619.html
Unfortunately, the end product is somewhat lacking. Sure, this ‘perfect woman’ seems datable enough, and if we were both drunk at a party and she was available and I didn’t have to get up in the morning, I’d totally bust a move. But this “dream woman” just doesn’t seem like the type of woman to dream on. And I’m wondering now if that’s because they left out a few essentially body parts.
So here are some extra favorite pieces of favorite ladies that I think would help make make for a more erotically pleasing mash-up. Please note, that this is just my opinion, and no polls were conducted in the process:
Taylor Swift-fingernails
The thing that makes Swift super-chic is the way she compliments her naturally fulsome lips with matching bodice and nail polish. Getting a good glossy-not-greasy look is key. I love the way her turquoise/blood red ensemble totally plays into the madonna/whore complex. I mean, the turquoise nails look so soft and I just want to gently pat them, but the red nails are just so fucking sexy and I want to bite down on them right now. I mean all this figuratively of course. Or fingeratively.
Rihanna- ankles
Look at the strength of that woman’s feet. There’s barely even a change in size from her calves to her heel. That’s just insane. She can probably whip her feet back in forth like a hummingbird in the water. I love would to swim with Rihann’s feet. But oh those ankles. I can just picture Chris Brown massaging them as he reads her poetry.
Jennifer Lawrence- small intestine
Can you imagine how hot it would be to move through Jennifer Lawrence’s digestive tract? J-Law, I want to be your saltine cracker, I want you to melt me with your saliva, to tickle me with your villi, to gently absorb me into your bloodstream. To shit me out again like I meant nothing to you.
Anne Hathaway- side boob
Although in that dress, its really more like full boob, just seen from the side. Did you know Myrtle Beach makes for the most convenient business conference destination? So says the pop-up ad when you google “Anne Hathaway” and “side-boob.”
Marion Cotillard- forehead pimple
Here’s one woman who is not afraid to turn imperfection into her greatest strength. It’s almost as if Marion was born with a bindi, except I don’t know what advantage that would give her in life. But it is truly well placed; if you draw a line through it, you’d see how much it highlights the symmetry of her face. Maybe it’s an on/off button, touch it and Marion opens her mouth and says…something in French.
Emma Watson- collarbone
I know you’re supposed to keep your eyes above the neck but god it’s hard not to notice how much they stick out. Poor girl, her sweater vests must hardly contain them. It looks like the bust in her dress has a pocket on each side in case they fall off, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Have you ever told a girl you want to reach out and touch her clavicle? If yes, post your story in the comments below.
Kate Upton- big toe
Her airbrushed feet are an almost perfect match for her airbrushed dimples. She could easily be a foot model if she wasn’t already a swimsuit model, body model and general model citizen model. I have this fantasy where I’m lying on the beach with Kate Upton and she is wiggling her big toe in my face.
And I’m shouting “ahhh shit there’s sand in my eye!”
I know, it’s a really strange fantasy. But it’s a really beautiful toe.
Selena Gomez- mitochondria
How does such a tiny girl have such big pipes? I mean, technically she is old enough to vote and graduate college but really, she’s a little too young looking to be sexy. Until you think about how hard her cells must have to work to belt out slightly-below-average country-pop anthems (yeah I have no idea what she actually sings). I am totally willing to bet that she is more efficient at processing oxygen and proteins at the cellular level than you. It’s not just her lungs and diaphragm muscles. This goes deeper than that. Selena’s genetic code is simply built for a stronger machine.
Miley Cyrus- Liam Hemsworth
The biggest mistake Miley has made in her career to date was the optional Liam Hemsworth reduction surgery she underwent earlier this year. It goes a long way towards explaining why people had such a negative reaction to her recent performances. Miley Cyrus without clothing or Liam Hemsworth is just not as attractive.
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