Dating Sites Are for Assholes (And Othello)

Aaron: I do not find that thou dealest justly with me!

OK Cupid: What in the contrary?

Aaron: Every day thou daffest me with some device, and rather, as it seems to me now, keepest from me all conveniency than suppliest me with the least advantage of hope. I will indeed no longer endure it nor am I yet persuaded to put up in peace what already I have foolishly suffered.

OK Cupid: Will you hear me, valued customer?

Aaron: Faith, I have heard too much for your words and performances are no kin together.

OK Cupid: You charge me most unjustly.

Aaron: With naught but truth. I have wasted myself out of my means ($19.99!!!!). The text messages you have had from me to deliver to potential matches would half have corrupted a votarist; you have told me she hath received them and returned me expectations and comforts of sudden respect and acquaintance, but I find none.

OK Cupid: Well; go, to, very well.

Aaron: Very well! Go to!……I cannot go to, man; nor tis not very well; nay, I think it is scurvy, and begin to find myself fobbed in it.

OK Cupid: Very well.

Aaron: I tell you tis not very well! I will make myself known to all the women; if they will return me my jewels, I will give over my suit and repent my lawful (but failed) solicitation. If not, assure yourself I will seek satisfaction of YOU.

OK Cupid: You have said now.

Aaron: Ay, and said nothing but what I protest intendment of doing.

OK Cupid: Why, now, I see there’s mettle in the thee, and even from this instant to build on thee a better opinion than ever before. Give me thy profile, Aaron; thou has taken against me a most just exception; but yet, LoveBot protests, LoveBot has dealt most directly in thy affair.

Aaron: It hath not appeared.

OK Cupid: I grant indeed it hath not appeared, and your suspicion is not without wit and judgement. But Aaron, if thou hast that in thee indeed, which LoveBot has greater reason to believe now than ever, I mean mojo, mustache and a graduate education, this night show it; if thou the next night following enjoy not a match, take LoveBot from this world with treachery and devise search engines for “Hot or Not.”

Aaron: Well, what is it? Is it within reason and compass?

OK Cupid: Answer 500 more profile questions!

Aaron: AGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH