It’s Official: I’m Returning to Jeju

Well, never say never. I said I wasn’t going to go back to Korea, and seven months later not only am I returning but I’m going to be teaching again on Jeju island. Sometimes you have to get away before you realize what you left behind.  It took me a long time to come to this decision. Ultimately, I realized that I had never had a more fulfilling experience or satisfying lifestyle and no matter what opportunities are here at home, whatever life goals I have, it’s going to be easier to pursue them from the Korean Hawaii.

I realize that I miss everything there, from the people, to the lifestyle, the weather, the two Indian restaurants, the sporting culture, the saunas, the squid boats, the children, like I said, everything.

Most especially though, I miss the brothels. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that no where in America can I spend time with a high quality prostitute for under $300, especially if you consider the cost to book a motel room. I mean, where else am I going to go to find someone? Thailand? Please. They have no discretion there. I don’t want someone grabbing my junk in the street. And you get what you pay for, or what you don’t pay for: I do not want to send my streak of three twenty four consecutive years free of the clappety clap. Or whatever else is down there.

But I jest.

For those who are curious, the school is called the Cambria Institute, and it’s in shin. I interviewed with them three weeks ago just for the hell of it, but when they got back to me with a competitive offer- 2.4 million won!- several days later, I suddenly was faced with the reality that I could return, that it was for real. I’m not sure what age levels I’ll be teaching but it doesn’t really matter at this point. They said they’re in the process of hiring another western teacher so that’s something to look forward to as well. The boss seemed okay, I mean it’s a hogwon. I learned my lesson, I’m going to relax, learn Korean, relax some more, enjoy my life.

 The sun sets everyday on Jeju island, but every day is beautiful.

I wonder if they’ll let me back into the dance club. Hell, that’s another reason I am coming back. I have unfinished business. I never actually reached the top of the volcano. The volcano never even erupted while I was there. Not one damn time. I need to reclaim my haiku crown. Also, Jane’s Groove, watch out. That ain’t a threat, that’s a promise. I don’t plan on using violence. Not physical violence anyway. But as I wait for my documents to be processed, here this: you have two months to prepare. Prepare for what? For EVERYTHING.

A new bar across the street. A successful boycott. A toilet overflow. A silly string barrage. Shit on fire every night at 10 pm on the first stair. Rumors of a 10,000 won cover charge. Rumors of watered-down alcohol. Rumors of Kin Jung Un on the stripper poles. So many rumors. Enjoy your spring Jane, because by the end of summertime your bar will be all boarded up like Red Cats down the street and you’re going to be driving a fruit van full time by October. It’s inevitable. There’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re lucky, you will save face. But I don’t believe in saving face. Speaking of faces, you won’t recognize me. You’ll never see it coming. That’s because I now look like this:

That’s right, I tried Jeju as a man, and now I am going to experience Jeju as a woman. It was time. I realized that it was easier for me to have the perfect woman’s body than to bulk up and try to be a ‘real man’. I’m going to go by the moniker “Erin Dunlap McKee.” I’ll still probably wear a cowboy hat, and don’t worry, I can still do a great Jim Morrison impression. However, I can now ALSO sing all my favorite Cher songs. It’s only been a week but I haven’t noticed any real personality changes or dispositions brought on my new chemical makeup. So I’m a lesbian now. And only for you, Jane. I’ll take your heart, then I’ll take your bar. Maybe I’ll take both at the same time.

Oh, I’m just fooling. I look like this:

Whoops, wrong photo. Eh whatever, fuck it. The point is, I’m coming back to Jeju, I’m going to live the dream, and I don’t plan on waking up until I’m 35 with money in the bank and even more money in the bank. I’ll be seeing some of you real soon.

-Dakota/Aaron/Erin/Dorman/Batman/awgpoihasdfl;kjsdf-3.34847