Conspiracy Theories for a New Age of Doom
By Aaron Dorman
On December 21, those in the know were ABSOLUTELY certain that, as predicted by the Mayans, the world was going to end.
A giant rogue planet hiding behind the sun was going to collide into the Earth. Or the magnetic poles would reverse, causing Biblical climatic mayhem and destruction. Or the entire Milky Way Galaxy would explode.
Whatever it was, it was obvious to anyone who was enough of a free thinker to see the truth that the government and Big Science were hiding this from us. Their denial/silence on the issue only confirmed the fact.
But something even crazier happened: absolutely nothing.
Understandably, many people will be traumatized by lack of destruction. It will be hard for them to comprehend the continuation of our historical narrative. Many people will be unsure how to live out the rest of their lives, unprepared for business as usual. They will need some way to cope with the absence of tragedy on a massive scale.
There is a way to help them. December 22 can indeed start a new era, but it time for some changes. Since our continued existence puts to shame many of our old notions of conspiracy and pseudo-scientific beliefs.
It is time for a new list of facts and cover-ups. The governments are still hiding the truth from us, of course. But I offer up the following possibilities, any one of which has the chance to be true, if we allow ourselves to embrace our future as reborn skeptics:
- JFK…shot himself!
(photo clearly shows his fake hands)
- Marylin Monroe and Princess Diana…were the same person!
(before and after surgery photo)
- The REAL first mooning landing?… The Chinese! In 1431, with their fleet of eunuch astronauts.
(a picture the US government will keep out of our history textbook)
- Area 51 is actually a Jewish weather control center, where they control the weather.
(proof that Jews came from outer space)
- More new Jew-truths: they killed Santa Claus. That’s why he doesn’t come down the chimney anymore and your parents have to buy gifts instead.
(reenactment of possible murder)
- Even more Jewish conspiracies: Exactly one week before Hurricane Sandy, all the Jews on the New Jersey shore left to visit relatives in Florida. All of them.
(secret document stolen from Area-51 reveals exit strategy)
- The Loch Ness Monster is retired and now lives in Lake Okeechobee, Florida.
(monster, with palm trees clearly in the background)
- Each corner of the Pentagon…corresponds exactly to the coordinates on the celestial sphere of a black hole in outer space.
(the outline of the pentagon depicted in the night sky? See anything at the intersections of the walls? Exactly!)
- A new number with strange, sinister “coincidental” repetition: It turns out there are actually twenty-FIVE evil Nazis, 25 days of Christmas, 25 man rosters in baseball, 25 planes that hit the world trade center 25 times, 25 famous people from Arkansas, the 25th state, and 25 hours in the day before you are to be incarcerated for drug possession. The Interstate that is most frequented by aliens? I-25, running through New Mexico. Al Gore lost the 2000 election by 25 votes. In the year 2525, if man is still alive, if woman can survive, he may find….
(Zager and Evans, possibly when they were 25)
- Shakespeare wrote all of his own plays…as well as the scripts for the original STAR WARS (“And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”-Shakespeare)
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