100 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Vote Tomorrow, Part I

It’s almost election day!

But first, it is apparently “Guy Fox” day, he’s a mascot for a London charity, which is nice, but I’m not giving him any money. But keep on fighting the good fight, Guy Fox!

Anyway, voting is stoopid. Freedom means having the freedom to stay home tomorrow. Think I’m wrong? Here are 100 reasons not vote.

1. There are no candidates running for nationwide office on the Wyoming Independence Party ticket.

2. There are no New York Mets running for nationwide office.

3. Of the candidates running for office, nobody has a plan to solve the NY Mets’ debt, which is honestly a lot more troubling to me than the national debt.

4. Neither Obama nor Romney has a plan to save the narwhals.

5. People with split personalities, even bogus internet ones, like myself/ourself, must choose only one identity tomorrow, otherwise it is voter fraud.

6. Speaking of which, transgender voters have to decide whether they are voting as a man or a woman tomorrow, they don’t have a choice. Be in solidarity with them, don’t vote.

7. If you are reading this and you are not a US citizen, you shouldn’t vote tomorrow because your vote won’t count and it would be a waste of time.

8. Even if you are a US citizen, your vote won’t count. The election was decided 3 months ago inside the control room of the Jewish mothership, which is currently camouflaged and resting on the Halla volcano. Romney and Obama were both there to accept their fate. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself, what were they doing three months ago on this very day? Do you know? Are you really going to believe what the media says?

9. You might have to wait in line to vote. Lines are boring.

10. Time is money. Money you can never get back. Time spent voting is time spent NOT playing with LEGOs. Do you really want to spend time not playing with LEGOs?

11. Paul Ryan has scary eyes. The only way to make the scary eyes go away is to not vote tomorrow.

12. You might run into an old High-school ‘friend’ or not-friend at the voting booth, and then you have to tell them about your life and stuff.

13. My parents are getting up at 7 am to vote. Why the fuck should you get up at 7 am to do anything? If voting means getting up early, just say no.

14. If nobody votes, nobody wins. Wouldn’t that be more exciting than having an actual winner?

15. The only way to ensure voter fraud does not occur is to not vote at all. Do you really think you can stop yourself from voting twice?

16. If you try to vote tomorrow, I am going to vote for the other guy and cancel out your vote. Try me. I dare you. This is only true for people in New York, though. Unfortunately I cannot cancel out your vote if you live in any of the other 49 states.

17. It’s better to let someone else vote ‘for you’, that way, if the ‘wrong’ person wins, it’s their fault, no yours.

18. There is always the possibility for a manchurian-candidate scenario. The only way to avoid this is to NOT VOTE.

19. Both Romney and Obama refused my offers of speechwriting, campaign managing, and even the simple gift of friendship.

20. Your decision for voting is probably not based on science. Don’t vote.

21. Voting is difficult. I mean the physical act. Some states have some real fancy machines. You might make a mistake. The only way to avoid accidentally voting for the wrong candidate is to not vote at all.

22. Obama and Romney except you to vote for free. You should never do anything for free.

23. Obama threatens Judeo-Christian values…but so does Mormon Mitt Romney. The only way to support Judeo-Christian values is to not vote at all.

24. Voting makes you feel insignificant and tiny, one among the masses. Be big, be strong, be yourself, support individuality and don’t vote.

25. What if your voting booth…is the one where A SERIAL MURDERER IS LURKING BEHIND THE CURTAIN!?!?!?! Why even take that chance???

26. Both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are excellent candidates and it would just be unfair for you or I to have to choose.

27. If you believe in apocalyptic things, do note that the theoretical new President would take office after the end of the world. This election is a waste of time.

28. Not voting will help avoid arguments with family over Thanksgiving as you will be able to honestly avoid any political discussion, because by not voting you have put yourself ‘above politics’.

29. You are not from Ohio.

30. Once you vote, the government has access to your social security number, fingerprints, and facebook account.

31. (if) You are under 18.

32. The lesser of two evils is still….too evil to vote for! No thank you sir!

33. “Obama girl” didn’t show up this election cycle, and Romney never even had a Romney girl. He never opened up the binder.

34. A vote is an objective decision yet we live in a subjective world. Don’t support the inconsistency.

35. Some states now require voter ID. Like a drivers license. Real Americans have licenses because real Americans have cars. If you don’t have a car, you are not a real American. Don’t vote.

36. It’s cold outside. Voting at temperatures below 60 degrees Fahrenheit is not recommended by doctors.

37. ?

 

This concludes part one. I am warning you in advance, there might not be a part two.