WITCHES
Identifying ‘which witch is which’ can sometimes be tricky, not to mention dangerous, because you have to distinguish between the Wiccan kind who threaten to find your inner light or whatever, or the real witchy kind who can do magic tricks and shit.
I’ve seen witches. You’re probably wondering, do they look like Emma Watson or Margaret Hamilton? Chances are it’s a bit of a mix of both. Not all of them have green skin, and to be fair, I met them at this rager so I can’t really trust my own color perception.
But they can totally do magic. For good or for ill. So you watch yourself. You meet a witch, you treat them like your mother. And if your mother is a witch, then you treat her like normal. Chances are, they’ll save the tricksy stuff for someone else, and let you live your life. Maybe they will even do something nice, like brew you a potion that does stuff like make you fall in love, or boost your metabolism.
Don’t be crass either. I asked a witch once if she wanted to ride my broomstick, and she turned me into a guinea pig.
It turns out some broomsticks are for riding, and others are for sweeping dust.
Also, Aaron wants me to send along he just made up:
How does a witch get from Seattle to Spokane in a lightning storm? He says the answer is economy class.
My answer is they don’t, because witches don’t understand science, so they ride up with their broom and die.
VAMPIRES
Now, if you’ve been watching the tv, you’ve got all kinds of confusing messages about vampires. They sparkle, they hate garlic, they’ve got big noses, they’ve got big pectorals, they have heavy Southern accents, or heavy Eastern-European accents, maybe they’re kind of anti-semitic charicatures.
There’s a vampire on the tv who likes to count a lot. There’s even a black vampire who doesn’t pay his taxes.
This is all made up garbage. There’s no such thing as vampires. If you see somebody on Halloween and they tell you they’re a vampire, it’s probably just some dumb kid. You should check their height.
If you think someone is a vampire because they stay up all night and act strange, you are making mistakes. These people probably just have anxiety, or they’re freaks. But not vampires.
Don’t worry about vampires. Worry about ghosts.
DEMONIC PUMPKINS aka JACK-O-LANTERNS
These are probably the scariest Halloween monsters, but they are also the easiest to kill. These “jack-o-lanterns” are “sacks-o-shit”, but show them the open end of your shot-gun, and their smile goes away right quick.
That’s because as evil as they are, they don’t go anywhere. At least not while you are looking at them in the eye.
From my experience out in Wyoming, all you need to do is aim, and fire away; pumpkins are like a raccoon that’s always asleep.
Sometimes, the old ladies that they’ve possessed will come out of the house and start screaming at you after you’ve blasted the pumpkin back to where it came from, but you just need to give those people some distance until they return to their real selves, which might take a few weeks.
This is mostly a problem in suburban neighborhoods.
SHEENA MACSWEEN
If Sheena Macsween is sending you messages, she probably just wants you to put her in your blog. So I did it.
Culture Time 