Halloween is a spooky time. Here is some advice on how to deal with the more common monsters you will encounter this season.
GHOSTS
Don’t try shooting a ghost. They’re already dead, and they still get mad at you for trying. The bullets just pass through and hit your favorite rocking horse.
What else passes through?
Well, you know what they say; most ghosts have unfinished business. The majority of them just need to be directed to the nearest outhouse, but some ghosts need an extra push. Why do you think they’re moaning all the time?
It makes sense, being dead can cause a lot of stress. But to get rid of a ghost, you need to get some fiber into their ghost diet. Not an easy thing to do, I know.
First you need to find some oats or barley or flaxseed. It depends on where you live. Then you just need to kill it. Now, plants don’t have a soul but they do have an ecto-morphic imprint. Put your stuff in the outhouse and then light it on fire. Or make an explosion. Explosions are always the way to go if you’re not sure what can kill something. Make the sure the ghost is there, and then he should be on his way to heaven in about 24-30 hours.
Unfortunately, there is always the possibility that a ghost is just a poltergeist, and is out to claim your soul. If that is the case, you should just run as fast as you can.
WOLF-PEOPLE
Now, this one is easy. Wolf people are scary, but they really aren’t all that dangerous. In fact, it turns Aaron is a wolf-man, I guess not like Taylor Lautner, maybe more like a really poor man’s Benicio del Toro. Don’t tell him I said that. Anyway, they are pretty easy to deal with. Or if they aren’t, it might just be because they’re assholes, not because they’re wolf-people.
Full moon or blue moon with an orange slice, if wolf-people start looking like themselves, you need to get them to a waxing salon. Now, some of them might put up a fight, because who has that kind of money lying around, but just ask them if they want to be a wolf-man or woman for the rest of their life. And if that doesn’t work, tell them to just be themselves, and they will then grow suspicious of your bullshit advice and then they’ll do anything to change.
If being a wolf-man is easier than not being a wolf-man, well, there’s always people with fancy fetishes. There’s probably even a website for that stuff.
If you’re around a wolf-person and they start howling, tell them to shut the fuck up. It’s just for show.
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